MIAMI, FL – The first Democratic Debate had the candidates and moderators asking themselves and each other, “what the f*ck just happened?” And had six other Presidential hopefuls wondering why they even bothered to show up. “It’s not fair,” said Washington Governor Jay Inslee. “I didn’t know we were supposed to answer the questions in gibberish. If I had I would have prepared better,” Inslee said, talking about the decision for both Beto O’Rourke and Cory Booker to start the debate by pandering to the 45 infants that polls indicated would be watching Wednesday night.
The moderators and audience sat in stunned silence as first O’Rourke and Booker tried to out baby talk each other with the first question asked last night. “O’Rourke started it,” Booker was later heard complaining as he watched a playback on a woman’s cell phone. O’Rourke used the popular and sometimes under rated a-ga, a-da babble when asked about his tax policy, while Booker countered O’Rourke’s points with a series coos, squeals and giggles that caused moderators and audience members to cover their ears and wince in pain until Booker’s mike was cut off.
“He’s going over the time limit,” Amy Klouchbar said, as she began throwing objects from her handbag at the moderators, who seemed to have forgotten the 60 second time limit allotted for each candidate. “Someone stop her,” Lester Holt said, as he narrowly avoided being hit in the face by Klouchbar’s keys. “Everyone was frozen,” said Savannah Guthrie. “We didn’t expect that to happen. I was just looking for the bathroom.”
Ironically Ohio Congressman Tim Ryan emerged as an unlikely hero as he swiped a lollipop off of New York Mayor Bill de Blasio’s podium. “Hey!” a stunned Blasio exclaimed as he watched Ryan hand the Minnesota Senator the wrapped treat. “I was saving that for intermission.” Klouchbar responded by sticking her tongue out at him and laughing.
“Really, Amy?,” Elizabeth Warren said as she shook her head in disbelief. She then channeled her inner Native American animal spirit, the gecko, as she reached in her purse and produced a pipe and asked if anyone wanted a hit.
The next ten candidates are going to have their work cut out for them if they want to top Wednesday nights chaos. Rumor has it Bernie Sanders, Pete Buttigieg and Michael Bennet have decided to brush up on their baby talking points, just in case for tonight’s debate.
